I do not know a single individual on a personal level that hasn't been hurt in their life. All people I know have come from some kind of adverse circumstance(s), so I can say that in the majority of cases, the playing field is level...we are all hurting people, just in different ways. So, what makes some people bitter and resentful for long periods of time against others, even carrying their resentment to the grave? What makes some people unwilling or unable to see their part in situations--to refuse to take responsibility for bad behavior or poor choices, but instead, shift the blame 100% to some other person, situation, or object? Speaking from personal experience, I can say that when I hold on to resentments, it's often because I have no closure or resolution. I don't know if this is a similar situation for others; I can only speak for myself here. The problem is, sometimes, we never do get closure or resolution, so, we must learn to deal with resentment in a way that doesn't do further damage to ourselves or others.
This is the heart of the matter: When we hold on to our resentments, we have no peace. When we refuse to forgive someone, when we refuse to have acceptance over something in our past, we have no peace, and we oftentimes can't move forward...we are stuck. We may have a wonderful family, a fulfilling job, an active social life with many friends, material comforts, financial security, exciting hobbies, etc., but until we have acceptance over the things that we are resentful about, it will always nag at us...it will always steal our joy, and we will never be able to fully experience our lives they way they were meant to be lived.
I want to know---when do we progress from the conscious choice of deciding to be a victim where everyone else is to blame for the source of our resentment, to becoming a victor over resentment while we take responsibility for our own lives? Because, victim versus victor IS a choice we make. I hear so many people blaming others for their lot in life; it's childish. It's being a child when we put 100% of blame on somebody else for the unmanaged damage in our lives, when we are ABSOLUTELY RESPONSIBLE for our own lives, even when it means we must figure out how to make a rose garden out of the dung heap situation in our life. The old adage, "Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% on how you react to it" is more than a tired slogan. When it is absolute that everyone on this planet suffers, it is proof of that adage when we witness some soar from the ashes of adversity like a phoenix. It should make those of us tightfisted with our resentments and crying about how life or a person/people have done us injustice blush with shame and be rightfully speechless when we see incredibly positive examples of those rising above great hurt while not blaming others, and it should strengthen our own resolve to emulate that example.
I reckon that while even those closest to us are sympathetic to our challenges and hurts, even they tire of hearing us complain in victim-mode for many, many years about our "injustices"; they may even ask, "So, what are you planning on doing about it?", or, "When are you going to move forward in your life past this?" Nobody says you shouldn't "lick your wounds" for a while and give yourself time to grieve over a situation and to allow yourself to feel the range of your feelings, but to choose to stay stuck in the mire for a long period while letting it steep and fester into something very destructive and evil, breeds self-pity in us as well. Self-pity is NEVER productive, and self-pity often sets us up for additional problems...addiction is the immediate problem that comes to mind when thinking about where self-pity can lead us, but there are many other problems that self-pity gives birth to.
When we refuse to take responsibility for our part in things, when we place 100% blame on others, we are like small children trapped in adult bodies. Indeed, for what it's worth, I define adulthood not so much as a certain age or a rite of passage (old enough to drive, old enough to vote, old enough to drink alcohol, etc.)--because there are plenty of people old enough to do the aforementioned things that still act like children when resentments raise their ugly heads, placing blame and not taking responsibilities for situations in their lives--but I define adulthood when a person consistently takes responsibility for their actions without blaming others, and make no mistake about it, it's a difficult, very courageous thing to do (and I'm not always successful, I'm sorry to say, but, I'm conscious of this and working on it). I look at myself throughout my whole life, and I can see that in every situation where there's been hurt involving others, I've played a guilty part, too, whether it's been a lesser part than the other person, an equal share, or a greater part. If I am truly honest with myself, I can see that there were ways I could have behaved better, been less hurtful. I can't say it's easy or pleasant to look at myself in this way, and I can't say I always immediately see my part in things...sometimes, it takes a long while to see my part in things, partly because, nobody wants to see themselves in such an ugly way, but, I try (sometimes, it has to be after I've tried to justify myself and tried to lay 100% blame on the other person!). Seeing my part in things also helps to assuage my anger and resentment towards the other person, because it means that I'm also at least partially to blame as well--I'm "no better" than the other person was/is. It's difficult to hold on to resentment towards somebody else when we see that in many--if not all--ways, we are no better ourselves.
Whether we intend to or not, we hurt people. No matter how delicately we intend to tread on our human journey, no matter how careful we are, others can and do get hurt; it's a human fact of life. We can definitely control how badly we hurt others by carefully considering how our choices may affect others and acting accordingly, but, I don't believe we can ever be fully be freed from hurting others, unfortunately, because there are even times when we truly do nothing wrong, and there is somebody that misinterprets something we said or did (or didn't say or do), and they become hurt, and suffer resentment against us. Life itself will always have problems even if other human beings aren't responsible for the hurts we suffer; we experience loss, ill health, other things that give us grief, trouble, and sadness that aren't directly related to our interactions with others.
We have to be willing to take the first step to free ourselves from resentment. For me, that means praying about it. I don't want to be resentful; I know resentment hurts myself--most important, it puts up a barrier between myself and God.
If I am unable to get closure or resolution, the second step for me is to usually work through my feelings mentally; sometimes, it's helpful to also write a letter or journal about it, too...the point is to identify my feelings, and get them out in the open to myself so I know what I'm dealing with. Equally important is to try to pinpoint why I feel a certain way. This may sound like an obvious part of the process, but, I find that there are sometimes underlying factors that I overlook. I can say I am resentful over something someone did, but looking past their actions or words to see why I feel that way gives me a broader picture. Until I start digging deeper, often overlooked emotional responses include shame, sometimes jealousy; for whatever reason, those two reasons for my resentment are not always immediately apparent to me, so it's good for me to dig deep into the "why" part of my resentment.
It's important to know that it's okay that it takes time to work through the process of forgiveness. I often have a mental "conversation" with myself where I state that I have resentment with so-and-so about such-and-such; I try to identify my feelings and why I feel that way, and give myself "permission" to feel those feelings while telling myself, it's a natural process to feel the range of feelings, but, I can't hold onto these feelings forever...I have to move forward. I don't put a specific timeline on things, because there are some things that are harder to work through than others and take more time to work through, but, I do lay it out the clear goal to myself to NOT hold onto the resentment forever.
Sometimes, we make a genuine mistake without trying to be careless or insensitive, but, we are at fault, 100%. It's important to acknowledge that right away, while reminding ourselves that we are human and it's part of being human to make a mistake. I find that there are times when I am 100% responsible for something, I often don't want to admit my part in things because I think I on some level that it's "not okay" for me to make mistakes. While I shouldn't set out to make mistakes, and I shouldn't give myself a free pass to hurt others, I have to be "okay" with the fact that I'm not perfect; I often have to remind myself that I can't expect perfection, only that I will learn lessons and apply them while moving forward. Second only to sincere, heartfelt apology and asking for forgiveness, acknowledging and learning from my mistakes and being careful from thereon out is the only positive thing that can come out of hurt that I caused.
While I'm working through these stages, I am praying over and over again to be released from the resentment, bitterness, anger, and in some cases, hatred. These feelings are so raw and powerful, and so overwhelming, there are times it literally feels to me like a fire that will consume me--I definitely don't want to live in that state forever! While I'm trying to work through the process of resentment, I try very hard to find positive outlets to my pain, hurt, anger, and resentment. It's easy to be bitter and easy to bring others down around me (and they certainly don't deserve that), so sometimes, it takes great creativity and deep thinking to find positive ways that I can channel my emotions into. Some people choose to meditate, exercise, take walks, take long baths, spend upbeat time with positive people, focus on others through charity and giving, take up a new hobby, talk with a trusted friend/advisor, etc. For myself, I find positive ways to get the focus away from myself very therapeutic and necessary, because I have learned that the less focused on myself that I am, the less chance there is for self-pity. When I fall into self-pity, it is like trying to climb out of a slippery, bottomless pit, so I'd rather avoid the self-pity stage when I can, whenever it's possible. I then have to configure a plan on how I am going to move forward. Sometimes, the person I struggle with resentment with continues to be a part of my life, and sometimes, they do not. Both situations present with their own challenges. It sometimes is easier for me to be prone to hold on to resentment with someone that isn't a part of my life anymore, because I'm not forced to deal or interact with them--they become a sort of "scapegoat" for me, and this is a dangerous temptation for me. It's very difficult to move past resentment with a person I frequently interact with because it can be like salt in a wound, and I often find that much extra prayer is needed. Sometimes, the relationship has to change with those that continue to be a part of my life, and that is one of the considerations I need to take into account when developing a plan to move forward. When I find the relationship needs to change, it is often a difficult and unpleasant process for me as I have a difficult time with confrontation and setting boundaries and expressing my needs assertively, and the process can be painful; sometimes, for both parties.
I finally make a conscious decision to move past feeling like a victim and blaming others--not to say that making the conscious decision is a magic wand where once I will it, it happens, but, I make a decision that I need to move forward and that I am responsible for my life being stuck (and NOT the offender), and that I am responsible for getting it unstuck--nobody else, and while somebody else may have been involved in the situation that caused my resentment, it's up to me to decide to move forward and begin that process without holding them hostage. It's easier to do this when I've seen my part in things, because when we realize that we carry at least some of the burden for the situation, we can't be victims, but, we can be victors over our resentment and rise above it. When we can rise above putting blame on everybody else for everything in our lives, we cease to become victims, and we become victors. We discover that we have tremendous freedom when the quality of our lives isn't shackled to others' actions, and we are victorious over self-pity and helplessness. When we don't see ourselves as victims anymore, it's like a whole world opens to us...a world full of possibilities and hope, and a world full of peace and enjoyment. When we have acceptance and release our expectations for others to act as we think they should, we have much greater peace. We can definitely live a peaceful, fulfilling life in spite of others' bad behavior and poor choices.
I think it was advice columnist Ann Landers that said, "Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head." I think she's on to something there. More than that, for me, holding on to resentment is an IV full of slow dripping poison. The longer you hold onto the resentment, the more the poison of bitterness invades your body, mind, and soul, and the longer the bitterness drips, the more it becomes saturated in your body, mind, and soul, and it puts you on a slow, agonizing and painful death. How well can you live your life when you are filled with hatred, negativity, and all-consuming rage and resentment against someone?
"Living rent free" through holding onto resentment is bad enough, but allowing me to categorize myself as a victim with "no choices" but to be bitter and resentful because I choose to blame others and refuse to take responsibility for my part in things, is worse...it's a self-imposed prison.
