The GIFT of Listening

The saying goes, "The best things in life are free".  I agree with that sentiment, but I think it's better stated, "The best things in life are priceless".  Some of the best things in life to me are the most valuable; things I can't put a price tag on--my family, for example.  Listening is something that is free, but it has great value--it transcends the "free" categorization.

How often do we truly listen to others?  How often are we present, in the moment, really hearing what they have to say, how they are feeling, or, are we just tuning out the conversation, waiting for a pause, so we can have our turn to talk?  Do we often interrupt, preventing others from finishing their thoughts?  Are we often distracted with other things, rather than giving someone the gift of our full attention?  Do we truly listen to somebody, listening with empathy and without judgment or criticism or giving advice, or do we jump in when somebody has a problem with, "You'd better do/say..." or "If I were you..."?

I was in a position to truly learn how to listen about 2 years ago.  I feel silly saying that I had to "learn" how to listen, because I'm an adult, and ideally, I should *already* know how to listen, but, I realized I *wasn't* listening...not really.  I was often distracted when I listened to others--hearing their words, but not really listening closely to the content; I would be thinking about something totally unrelated, maybe like what I was going to cook for dinner, while having a conversation with somebody.  I often didn't truly listen because I was waiting for my turn to talk, too.  Oftentimes, when somebody just needed to vent, I was full of unsolicited advice, too.  Once I realized I was doing this, I couldn't believe the irony, because I myself HATE unsolicited advice!

The exercise for me was to listen to somebody talk, with no interrupting, no advice--just listen to what they had to say.  At first, I wanted to jump in with my opinion or advice, but, I knew listening was an area where I struggled, and I wanted to make a positive life change, so, I resisted the temptation.  It was a very difficult habit for me to put into practice for a long time, but while I was trying to practice keeping my own silence while truly listening to others, I got the opportunity to speak unhindered...no advice, no interrupting.  I cannot adequately express the feeling of freedom and relief I received, knowing I wasn't going to be interrupted or bombarded with advice!  I also got more comfortable with listening, knowing I would get a chance to talk--I didn't have to "resort" to interrupting to get my chance to talk.

Because I experienced the give and take of true listening, I was able to learn the value of it, and knowing how much of a gift it felt to me to be able to talk unhindered, I knew it felt that way to others, too.  When I realized that I only truly valued advice when I had actually asked for it, I realized that others don't want advice, either, unless they ask.  It sounds basic and simple and obvious, but it became a defining moment for me.  Now when somebody does actually ask for advice, I find myself saying, "What has worked for me..." or "You might want to try...".  I usually try to put it in the "what has worked for me" category, because we are not all cookie cutter human beings--we are all different, and what works excellently for one person may be a disaster to others.  Even better, it's often great to pick the brain of the person asking for advice to see what they've determined their options are, and let *them* talk through the pros and cons of each choice, talking it out loud.  When we pounce on others with interrupting and advice, it's almost like an attack, and it puts the speaker in defense mode.  Who wouldn't be defensive when they feel they are being attacked?

I try to focus and be present in the moment when I'm talking to somebody, because it's a true gift to know that the person you are talking to values and cherishes the time you are conversing.  This is something I learned to value from the bittersweet experience of almost losing a family member to cancer...every time I got the chance to speak to them was a real gift, and I tried to record every conversation--no matter how seemingly "mundane"--in my mind, preparing for never hearing their voice again; never having the chance to listen to their thoughts about things.  Unfortunately, there are few things like facing death or loss that make great motivators, but if we can take something positive and wonderful from it, I say we have overcome the bitterness of death, when something wonderful can be born from it.

What I've realized most about conversation is, what most people are hungry for is time and attention.  We are all so busy with our lives that we don't make time to truly connect to each other.  Many around us are suffering loneliness, isolation, hurt, and just the small, simple, free act of truly listening with a kind ear, devoid of interrupting and unsolicited advice is invaluable.  Just a smile to a stranger and a "hello" can be the brightest spot in some people's lives on some days...I know it has been to me.

Those closest to us don't want our advice, they want our love...our undivided attention.  Love is expressed through action, and if we could find a way to put love into action while we are conversing with someone, then it would be through truly listening.