I've seen some hostility over time about women wearing skirts and dresses versus jeans and pants, and I'm not sure why this should be. In our modern age, isn't it supposed to be all about a woman's choice about what she wants to wear, even if that choice happens to be skirts and dresses over pants and jeans?
I for one LOVE wearing skirts and dresses, and have found that as I'm getting older, I really love them. I always feel comfortable, always feel ready for anything, and never worry about being underdressed. Having done much research about what cut of dress or skirt suited my body type, I feel way more confident in an A-line skirt or dress than I ever will in a pair of relaxed blue jeans (forget about the tight jeans!). Wearing a dress makes me feel feminine and free, and if I have a choice, I prefer dresses over skirts, since I don't have to worry about deciding which top to pair it with...I put on my dress, decide which accessories to wear with it (if any), and go. For me, I think a dress instantly steps things up a bit, even if it's more of a casual dress.
I've heard some that skirts and dresses don't allow for much versatility with regards to work. I admit that I'll throw on a pair of jeans to kneel while gardening, but I cut grass in my skirts and dresses, clean floors and bathrooms in my skirts and dresses, and it works just fine. I do have a couple of dresses that are more my "workhorse" dresses because they are no-nonsense and plain that I use specifically for more harder work, but you can do anything in a skirt or dress you'd do in yoga pants, sweat pants, shorts, or jeans, believe me! I think the key is making sure it's at a comfortable length (I personally wouldn't be comfortable while bending doing housework in a miniskirt, but that's just me). Women of many cultures have dress- or skirt-like garments and I'm sure would agree that everything they need to do gets done efficiently their clothing.
This isn't a jab to women that like wearing pants--everybody has their own comfort zone, what they feel best in comfort-wise, what they feel most at home wearing, and what gives them the most confidence wearing it. I just felt it was necessary to give a little bit of support to the humble dress and skirt. They are two garments that are always there for me and they make me feel feminine and put together, and they have been a friend to women since the earliest days. I just thought they deserved a little bit of love.
Showing posts with label Topic of the Day. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Topic of the Day. Show all posts
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Psst...can you keep a secret?
As time has passed, I realize how important it is to keep secrets, and to respect the wishes for privacy of the person that revealed the secret. Before I go any further, let me clarify that I'm not talking about keeping the kind of secret that can enable a person to harm themselves or others or put people in danger.
Once, I saw the damage of revealing a secret through a person that had something devastating happen to them, told someone their secret, and asked that it be kept private. The person that heard the secret told someone else. I can't imagine the hurt, shame, embarrassment, and anger this person experienced over having their secret revealed, but also the feelings of betrayal, and lack of trust this created.
Witnessing that person's experience made me cautious in revealing private things about myself. Although the verse escapes me at this time (I'll list it here and edit this post when I remember it), the Bible cautions us about being too loquacious about our privacy, and rightfully so. Just about everyone can recall a time when they were burned by sharing something private, having it repeated and exposed. This is precisely why we can (and should!) recognize the deep value in keeping others' secrets/privacy.
Shortly after my friend's incident, I read in Wisdom of Sirach (also known as the book of Ecclesiasticus) (19:10):
I laughed at what seemed to be almost a teasing tone in that verse, but it's TRUE!!! On a more somber note was the following verse where Sirach calls the person that cannot keep a secret a fool (Sirach 19:11):
I'm certainly no Biblical scholar, but every time the word "fool" is used in Scripture, it seems to me that it's usually referring to a person that is headed for destruction. "Fool" used Biblically doesn't seem to be just a word to mean a dumb or simple person...it's a strong rebuke...definitely an insult, and if you're called a "fool", it's definitely something you should sit up and take notice of and not ignore.
Keeping a secret can be like exercising a muscle for the first time--hard to do, but once it's done frequently, the practice of using it becomes easier and easier to work.
I wondered why some people feel the need to reveal secrets. I suppose it's because it makes them feel self-important; "in the know" perhaps--maybe they have little in their own lives to give them purpose?--but it's done at the expense of others, and there are few chances to repair such a deeply broken trust. If you feel you are going to "burst" with a secret, tread cautiously, weighing the risk. Are there many secrets you can say that are worth revealing at the expense of deeply hurting others, or causing irreparable damage to a relationship (even ending a relationship) over? Will you burst???
Many years ago, someone said this about a person we mutually knew, "That person is so trustworthy...they'll take a secret to the grave with them." That really resonated with me. It also made me confident that this person would definitely be trustworthy should I need to confide something in them. I decided when I heard this compliment given that this is the type of person I wanted to be...trustworthy.
What a special, wonderful thing to earn--somebody's trust.
Once, I saw the damage of revealing a secret through a person that had something devastating happen to them, told someone their secret, and asked that it be kept private. The person that heard the secret told someone else. I can't imagine the hurt, shame, embarrassment, and anger this person experienced over having their secret revealed, but also the feelings of betrayal, and lack of trust this created.
Witnessing that person's experience made me cautious in revealing private things about myself. Although the verse escapes me at this time (I'll list it here and edit this post when I remember it), the Bible cautions us about being too loquacious about our privacy, and rightfully so. Just about everyone can recall a time when they were burned by sharing something private, having it repeated and exposed. This is precisely why we can (and should!) recognize the deep value in keeping others' secrets/privacy.
Shortly after my friend's incident, I read in Wisdom of Sirach (also known as the book of Ecclesiasticus) (19:10):
"Have you heard something? Let it die with you. Be brave, it will not make you burst!"
I laughed at what seemed to be almost a teasing tone in that verse, but it's TRUE!!! On a more somber note was the following verse where Sirach calls the person that cannot keep a secret a fool (Sirach 19:11):
Having heard something, the fool suffers birth pangs like a woman in labor with a child.
I'm certainly no Biblical scholar, but every time the word "fool" is used in Scripture, it seems to me that it's usually referring to a person that is headed for destruction. "Fool" used Biblically doesn't seem to be just a word to mean a dumb or simple person...it's a strong rebuke...definitely an insult, and if you're called a "fool", it's definitely something you should sit up and take notice of and not ignore.
Keeping a secret can be like exercising a muscle for the first time--hard to do, but once it's done frequently, the practice of using it becomes easier and easier to work.
I wondered why some people feel the need to reveal secrets. I suppose it's because it makes them feel self-important; "in the know" perhaps--maybe they have little in their own lives to give them purpose?--but it's done at the expense of others, and there are few chances to repair such a deeply broken trust. If you feel you are going to "burst" with a secret, tread cautiously, weighing the risk. Are there many secrets you can say that are worth revealing at the expense of deeply hurting others, or causing irreparable damage to a relationship (even ending a relationship) over? Will you burst???
Many years ago, someone said this about a person we mutually knew, "That person is so trustworthy...they'll take a secret to the grave with them." That really resonated with me. It also made me confident that this person would definitely be trustworthy should I need to confide something in them. I decided when I heard this compliment given that this is the type of person I wanted to be...trustworthy.
What a special, wonderful thing to earn--somebody's trust.
The GIFT of Listening
The saying goes, "The best things in life are free". I agree with that sentiment, but I think it's better stated, "The best things in life are priceless". Some of the best things in life to me are the most valuable; things I can't put a price tag on--my family, for example. Listening is something that is free, but it has great value--it transcends the "free" categorization.
How often do we truly listen to others? How often are we present, in the moment, really hearing what they have to say, how they are feeling, or, are we just tuning out the conversation, waiting for a pause, so we can have our turn to talk? Do we often interrupt, preventing others from finishing their thoughts? Are we often distracted with other things, rather than giving someone the gift of our full attention? Do we truly listen to somebody, listening with empathy and without judgment or criticism or giving advice, or do we jump in when somebody has a problem with, "You'd better do/say..." or "If I were you..."?
I was in a position to truly learn how to listen about 2 years ago. I feel silly saying that I had to "learn" how to listen, because I'm an adult, and ideally, I should *already* know how to listen, but, I realized I *wasn't* listening...not really. I was often distracted when I listened to others--hearing their words, but not really listening closely to the content; I would be thinking about something totally unrelated, maybe like what I was going to cook for dinner, while having a conversation with somebody. I often didn't truly listen because I was waiting for my turn to talk, too. Oftentimes, when somebody just needed to vent, I was full of unsolicited advice, too. Once I realized I was doing this, I couldn't believe the irony, because I myself HATE unsolicited advice!
The exercise for me was to listen to somebody talk, with no interrupting, no advice--just listen to what they had to say. At first, I wanted to jump in with my opinion or advice, but, I knew listening was an area where I struggled, and I wanted to make a positive life change, so, I resisted the temptation. It was a very difficult habit for me to put into practice for a long time, but while I was trying to practice keeping my own silence while truly listening to others, I got the opportunity to speak unhindered...no advice, no interrupting. I cannot adequately express the feeling of freedom and relief I received, knowing I wasn't going to be interrupted or bombarded with advice! I also got more comfortable with listening, knowing I would get a chance to talk--I didn't have to "resort" to interrupting to get my chance to talk.
Because I experienced the give and take of true listening, I was able to learn the value of it, and knowing how much of a gift it felt to me to be able to talk unhindered, I knew it felt that way to others, too. When I realized that I only truly valued advice when I had actually asked for it, I realized that others don't want advice, either, unless they ask. It sounds basic and simple and obvious, but it became a defining moment for me. Now when somebody does actually ask for advice, I find myself saying, "What has worked for me..." or "You might want to try...". I usually try to put it in the "what has worked for me" category, because we are not all cookie cutter human beings--we are all different, and what works excellently for one person may be a disaster to others. Even better, it's often great to pick the brain of the person asking for advice to see what they've determined their options are, and let *them* talk through the pros and cons of each choice, talking it out loud. When we pounce on others with interrupting and advice, it's almost like an attack, and it puts the speaker in defense mode. Who wouldn't be defensive when they feel they are being attacked?
I try to focus and be present in the moment when I'm talking to somebody, because it's a true gift to know that the person you are talking to values and cherishes the time you are conversing. This is something I learned to value from the bittersweet experience of almost losing a family member to cancer...every time I got the chance to speak to them was a real gift, and I tried to record every conversation--no matter how seemingly "mundane"--in my mind, preparing for never hearing their voice again; never having the chance to listen to their thoughts about things. Unfortunately, there are few things like facing death or loss that make great motivators, but if we can take something positive and wonderful from it, I say we have overcome the bitterness of death, when something wonderful can be born from it.
What I've realized most about conversation is, what most people are hungry for is time and attention. We are all so busy with our lives that we don't make time to truly connect to each other. Many around us are suffering loneliness, isolation, hurt, and just the small, simple, free act of truly listening with a kind ear, devoid of interrupting and unsolicited advice is invaluable. Just a smile to a stranger and a "hello" can be the brightest spot in some people's lives on some days...I know it has been to me.
Those closest to us don't want our advice, they want our love...our undivided attention. Love is expressed through action, and if we could find a way to put love into action while we are conversing with someone, then it would be through truly listening.
How often do we truly listen to others? How often are we present, in the moment, really hearing what they have to say, how they are feeling, or, are we just tuning out the conversation, waiting for a pause, so we can have our turn to talk? Do we often interrupt, preventing others from finishing their thoughts? Are we often distracted with other things, rather than giving someone the gift of our full attention? Do we truly listen to somebody, listening with empathy and without judgment or criticism or giving advice, or do we jump in when somebody has a problem with, "You'd better do/say..." or "If I were you..."?
I was in a position to truly learn how to listen about 2 years ago. I feel silly saying that I had to "learn" how to listen, because I'm an adult, and ideally, I should *already* know how to listen, but, I realized I *wasn't* listening...not really. I was often distracted when I listened to others--hearing their words, but not really listening closely to the content; I would be thinking about something totally unrelated, maybe like what I was going to cook for dinner, while having a conversation with somebody. I often didn't truly listen because I was waiting for my turn to talk, too. Oftentimes, when somebody just needed to vent, I was full of unsolicited advice, too. Once I realized I was doing this, I couldn't believe the irony, because I myself HATE unsolicited advice!
The exercise for me was to listen to somebody talk, with no interrupting, no advice--just listen to what they had to say. At first, I wanted to jump in with my opinion or advice, but, I knew listening was an area where I struggled, and I wanted to make a positive life change, so, I resisted the temptation. It was a very difficult habit for me to put into practice for a long time, but while I was trying to practice keeping my own silence while truly listening to others, I got the opportunity to speak unhindered...no advice, no interrupting. I cannot adequately express the feeling of freedom and relief I received, knowing I wasn't going to be interrupted or bombarded with advice! I also got more comfortable with listening, knowing I would get a chance to talk--I didn't have to "resort" to interrupting to get my chance to talk.
Because I experienced the give and take of true listening, I was able to learn the value of it, and knowing how much of a gift it felt to me to be able to talk unhindered, I knew it felt that way to others, too. When I realized that I only truly valued advice when I had actually asked for it, I realized that others don't want advice, either, unless they ask. It sounds basic and simple and obvious, but it became a defining moment for me. Now when somebody does actually ask for advice, I find myself saying, "What has worked for me..." or "You might want to try...". I usually try to put it in the "what has worked for me" category, because we are not all cookie cutter human beings--we are all different, and what works excellently for one person may be a disaster to others. Even better, it's often great to pick the brain of the person asking for advice to see what they've determined their options are, and let *them* talk through the pros and cons of each choice, talking it out loud. When we pounce on others with interrupting and advice, it's almost like an attack, and it puts the speaker in defense mode. Who wouldn't be defensive when they feel they are being attacked?
I try to focus and be present in the moment when I'm talking to somebody, because it's a true gift to know that the person you are talking to values and cherishes the time you are conversing. This is something I learned to value from the bittersweet experience of almost losing a family member to cancer...every time I got the chance to speak to them was a real gift, and I tried to record every conversation--no matter how seemingly "mundane"--in my mind, preparing for never hearing their voice again; never having the chance to listen to their thoughts about things. Unfortunately, there are few things like facing death or loss that make great motivators, but if we can take something positive and wonderful from it, I say we have overcome the bitterness of death, when something wonderful can be born from it.
What I've realized most about conversation is, what most people are hungry for is time and attention. We are all so busy with our lives that we don't make time to truly connect to each other. Many around us are suffering loneliness, isolation, hurt, and just the small, simple, free act of truly listening with a kind ear, devoid of interrupting and unsolicited advice is invaluable. Just a smile to a stranger and a "hello" can be the brightest spot in some people's lives on some days...I know it has been to me.
Those closest to us don't want our advice, they want our love...our undivided attention. Love is expressed through action, and if we could find a way to put love into action while we are conversing with someone, then it would be through truly listening.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Resentment
The last few days, I've been doing much thinking about holding on to resentments, and about personal responsibility in adulthood; taking ownership of bad choices and admitting faults instead of placing blame. Our Lord God and Savior Jesus Christ and the Holy Fathers have plenty to say about resentment and personal responsibility, but today, I want to speak about my own personal experience--obviously NOT because "I know better"!!!--but because I've been struggling through something.
I do not know a single individual on a personal level that hasn't been hurt in their life. All people I know have come from some kind of adverse circumstance(s), so I can say that in the majority of cases, the playing field is level...we are all hurting people, just in different ways. So, what makes some people bitter and resentful for long periods of time against others, even carrying their resentment to the grave? What makes some people unwilling or unable to see their part in situations--to refuse to take responsibility for bad behavior or poor choices, but instead, shift the blame 100% to some other person, situation, or object? Speaking from personal experience, I can say that when I hold on to resentments, it's often because I have no closure or resolution. I don't know if this is a similar situation for others; I can only speak for myself here. The problem is, sometimes, we never do get closure or resolution, so, we must learn to deal with resentment in a way that doesn't do further damage to ourselves or others.
I want to know---when do we progress from the conscious choice of deciding to be a victim where everyone else is to blame for the source of our resentment, to becoming a victor over resentment while we take responsibility for our own lives? Because, victim versus victor IS a choice we make. I hear so many people blaming others for their lot in life; it's childish. It's being a child when we put 100% of blame on somebody else for the unmanaged damage in our lives, when we are ABSOLUTELY RESPONSIBLE for our own lives, even when it means we must figure out how to make a rose garden out of the dung heap situation in our life. The old adage, "Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% on how you react to it" is more than a tired slogan. When it is absolute that everyone on this planet suffers, it is proof of that adage when we witness some soar from the ashes of adversity like a phoenix. It should make those of us tightfisted with our resentments and crying about how life or a person/people have done us injustice blush with shame and be rightfully speechless when we see incredibly positive examples of those rising above great hurt while not blaming others, and it should strengthen our own resolve to emulate that example.
I reckon that while even those closest to us are sympathetic to our challenges and hurts, even they tire of hearing us complain in victim-mode for many, many years about our "injustices"; they may even ask, "So, what are you planning on doing about it?", or, "When are you going to move forward in your life past this?" Nobody says you shouldn't "lick your wounds" for a while and give yourself time to grieve over a situation and to allow yourself to feel the range of your feelings, but to choose to stay stuck in the mire for a long period while letting it steep and fester into something very destructive and evil, breeds self-pity in us as well. Self-pity is NEVER productive, and self-pity often sets us up for additional problems...addiction is the immediate problem that comes to mind when thinking about where self-pity can lead us, but there are many other problems that self-pity gives birth to.
When we refuse to take responsibility for our part in things, when we place 100% blame on others, we are like small children trapped in adult bodies. Indeed, for what it's worth, I define adulthood not so much as a certain age or a rite of passage (old enough to drive, old enough to vote, old enough to drink alcohol, etc.)--because there are plenty of people old enough to do the aforementioned things that still act like children when resentments raise their ugly heads, placing blame and not taking responsibilities for situations in their lives--but I define adulthood when a person consistently takes responsibility for their actions without blaming others, and make no mistake about it, it's a difficult, very courageous thing to do (and I'm not always successful, I'm sorry to say, but, I'm conscious of this and working on it). I look at myself throughout my whole life, and I can see that in every situation where there's been hurt involving others, I've played a guilty part, too, whether it's been a lesser part than the other person, an equal share, or a greater part. If I am truly honest with myself, I can see that there were ways I could have behaved better, been less hurtful. I can't say it's easy or pleasant to look at myself in this way, and I can't say I always immediately see my part in things...sometimes, it takes a long while to see my part in things, partly because, nobody wants to see themselves in such an ugly way, but, I try (sometimes, it has to be after I've tried to justify myself and tried to lay 100% blame on the other person!). Seeing my part in things also helps to assuage my anger and resentment towards the other person, because it means that I'm also at least partially to blame as well--I'm "no better" than the other person was/is. It's difficult to hold on to resentment towards somebody else when we see that in many--if not all--ways, we are no better ourselves.
Whether we intend to or not, we hurt people. No matter how delicately we intend to tread on our human journey, no matter how careful we are, others can and do get hurt; it's a human fact of life. We can definitely control how badly we hurt others by carefully considering how our choices may affect others and acting accordingly, but, I don't believe we can ever be fully be freed from hurting others, unfortunately, because there are even times when we truly do nothing wrong, and there is somebody that misinterprets something we said or did (or didn't say or do), and they become hurt, and suffer resentment against us. Life itself will always have problems even if other human beings aren't responsible for the hurts we suffer; we experience loss, ill health, other things that give us grief, trouble, and sadness that aren't directly related to our interactions with others.
We have to be willing to take the first step to free ourselves from resentment. For me, that means praying about it. I don't want to be resentful; I know resentment hurts myself--most important, it puts up a barrier between myself and God.
If I am unable to get closure or resolution, the second step for me is to usually work through my feelings mentally; sometimes, it's helpful to also write a letter or journal about it, too...the point is to identify my feelings, and get them out in the open to myself so I know what I'm dealing with. Equally important is to try to pinpoint why I feel a certain way. This may sound like an obvious part of the process, but, I find that there are sometimes underlying factors that I overlook. I can say I am resentful over something someone did, but looking past their actions or words to see why I feel that way gives me a broader picture. Until I start digging deeper, often overlooked emotional responses include shame, sometimes jealousy; for whatever reason, those two reasons for my resentment are not always immediately apparent to me, so it's good for me to dig deep into the "why" part of my resentment.
It's important to know that it's okay that it takes time to work through the process of forgiveness. I often have a mental "conversation" with myself where I state that I have resentment with so-and-so about such-and-such; I try to identify my feelings and why I feel that way, and give myself "permission" to feel those feelings while telling myself, it's a natural process to feel the range of feelings, but, I can't hold onto these feelings forever...I have to move forward. I don't put a specific timeline on things, because there are some things that are harder to work through than others and take more time to work through, but, I do lay it out the clear goal to myself to NOT hold onto the resentment forever.
Sometimes, we make a genuine mistake without trying to be careless or insensitive, but, we are at fault, 100%. It's important to acknowledge that right away, while reminding ourselves that we are human and it's part of being human to make a mistake. I find that there are times when I am 100% responsible for something, I often don't want to admit my part in things because I think I on some level that it's "not okay" for me to make mistakes. While I shouldn't set out to make mistakes, and I shouldn't give myself a free pass to hurt others, I have to be "okay" with the fact that I'm not perfect; I often have to remind myself that I can't expect perfection, only that I will learn lessons and apply them while moving forward. Second only to sincere, heartfelt apology and asking for forgiveness, acknowledging and learning from my mistakes and being careful from thereon out is the only positive thing that can come out of hurt that I caused.
While I'm working through these stages, I am praying over and over again to be released from the resentment, bitterness, anger, and in some cases, hatred. These feelings are so raw and powerful, and so overwhelming, there are times it literally feels to me like a fire that will consume me--I definitely don't want to live in that state forever! While I'm trying to work through the process of resentment, I try very hard to find positive outlets to my pain, hurt, anger, and resentment. It's easy to be bitter and easy to bring others down around me (and they certainly don't deserve that), so sometimes, it takes great creativity and deep thinking to find positive ways that I can channel my emotions into. Some people choose to meditate, exercise, take walks, take long baths, spend upbeat time with positive people, focus on others through charity and giving, take up a new hobby, talk with a trusted friend/advisor, etc. For myself, I find positive ways to get the focus away from myself very therapeutic and necessary, because I have learned that the less focused on myself that I am, the less chance there is for self-pity. When I fall into self-pity, it is like trying to climb out of a slippery, bottomless pit, so I'd rather avoid the self-pity stage when I can, whenever it's possible. I then have to configure a plan on how I am going to move forward. Sometimes, the person I struggle with resentment with continues to be a part of my life, and sometimes, they do not. Both situations present with their own challenges. It sometimes is easier for me to be prone to hold on to resentment with someone that isn't a part of my life anymore, because I'm not forced to deal or interact with them--they become a sort of "scapegoat" for me, and this is a dangerous temptation for me. It's very difficult to move past resentment with a person I frequently interact with because it can be like salt in a wound, and I often find that much extra prayer is needed. Sometimes, the relationship has to change with those that continue to be a part of my life, and that is one of the considerations I need to take into account when developing a plan to move forward. When I find the relationship needs to change, it is often a difficult and unpleasant process for me as I have a difficult time with confrontation and setting boundaries and expressing my needs assertively, and the process can be painful; sometimes, for both parties.
I finally make a conscious decision to move past feeling like a victim and blaming others--not to say that making the conscious decision is a magic wand where once I will it, it happens, but, I make a decision that I need to move forward and that I am responsible for my life being stuck (and NOT the offender), and that I am responsible for getting it unstuck--nobody else, and while somebody else may have been involved in the situation that caused my resentment, it's up to me to decide to move forward and begin that process without holding them hostage. It's easier to do this when I've seen my part in things, because when we realize that we carry at least some of the burden for the situation, we can't be victims, but, we can be victors over our resentment and rise above it. When we can rise above putting blame on everybody else for everything in our lives, we cease to become victims, and we become victors. We discover that we have tremendous freedom when the quality of our lives isn't shackled to others' actions, and we are victorious over self-pity and helplessness. When we don't see ourselves as victims anymore, it's like a whole world opens to us...a world full of possibilities and hope, and a world full of peace and enjoyment. When we have acceptance and release our expectations for others to act as we think they should, we have much greater peace. We can definitely live a peaceful, fulfilling life in spite of others' bad behavior and poor choices.
I think it was advice columnist Ann Landers that said, "Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head." I think she's on to something there. More than that, for me, holding on to resentment is an IV full of slow dripping poison. The longer you hold onto the resentment, the more the poison of bitterness invades your body, mind, and soul, and the longer the bitterness drips, the more it becomes saturated in your body, mind, and soul, and it puts you on a slow, agonizing and painful death. How well can you live your life when you are filled with hatred, negativity, and all-consuming rage and resentment against someone?
"Living rent free" through holding onto resentment is bad enough, but allowing me to categorize myself as a victim with "no choices" but to be bitter and resentful because I choose to blame others and refuse to take responsibility for my part in things, is worse...it's a self-imposed prison.
I do not know a single individual on a personal level that hasn't been hurt in their life. All people I know have come from some kind of adverse circumstance(s), so I can say that in the majority of cases, the playing field is level...we are all hurting people, just in different ways. So, what makes some people bitter and resentful for long periods of time against others, even carrying their resentment to the grave? What makes some people unwilling or unable to see their part in situations--to refuse to take responsibility for bad behavior or poor choices, but instead, shift the blame 100% to some other person, situation, or object? Speaking from personal experience, I can say that when I hold on to resentments, it's often because I have no closure or resolution. I don't know if this is a similar situation for others; I can only speak for myself here. The problem is, sometimes, we never do get closure or resolution, so, we must learn to deal with resentment in a way that doesn't do further damage to ourselves or others.
This is the heart of the matter: When we hold on to our resentments, we have no peace. When we refuse to forgive someone, when we refuse to have acceptance over something in our past, we have no peace, and we oftentimes can't move forward...we are stuck. We may have a wonderful family, a fulfilling job, an active social life with many friends, material comforts, financial security, exciting hobbies, etc., but until we have acceptance over the things that we are resentful about, it will always nag at us...it will always steal our joy, and we will never be able to fully experience our lives they way they were meant to be lived.
I want to know---when do we progress from the conscious choice of deciding to be a victim where everyone else is to blame for the source of our resentment, to becoming a victor over resentment while we take responsibility for our own lives? Because, victim versus victor IS a choice we make. I hear so many people blaming others for their lot in life; it's childish. It's being a child when we put 100% of blame on somebody else for the unmanaged damage in our lives, when we are ABSOLUTELY RESPONSIBLE for our own lives, even when it means we must figure out how to make a rose garden out of the dung heap situation in our life. The old adage, "Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% on how you react to it" is more than a tired slogan. When it is absolute that everyone on this planet suffers, it is proof of that adage when we witness some soar from the ashes of adversity like a phoenix. It should make those of us tightfisted with our resentments and crying about how life or a person/people have done us injustice blush with shame and be rightfully speechless when we see incredibly positive examples of those rising above great hurt while not blaming others, and it should strengthen our own resolve to emulate that example.
I reckon that while even those closest to us are sympathetic to our challenges and hurts, even they tire of hearing us complain in victim-mode for many, many years about our "injustices"; they may even ask, "So, what are you planning on doing about it?", or, "When are you going to move forward in your life past this?" Nobody says you shouldn't "lick your wounds" for a while and give yourself time to grieve over a situation and to allow yourself to feel the range of your feelings, but to choose to stay stuck in the mire for a long period while letting it steep and fester into something very destructive and evil, breeds self-pity in us as well. Self-pity is NEVER productive, and self-pity often sets us up for additional problems...addiction is the immediate problem that comes to mind when thinking about where self-pity can lead us, but there are many other problems that self-pity gives birth to.
When we refuse to take responsibility for our part in things, when we place 100% blame on others, we are like small children trapped in adult bodies. Indeed, for what it's worth, I define adulthood not so much as a certain age or a rite of passage (old enough to drive, old enough to vote, old enough to drink alcohol, etc.)--because there are plenty of people old enough to do the aforementioned things that still act like children when resentments raise their ugly heads, placing blame and not taking responsibilities for situations in their lives--but I define adulthood when a person consistently takes responsibility for their actions without blaming others, and make no mistake about it, it's a difficult, very courageous thing to do (and I'm not always successful, I'm sorry to say, but, I'm conscious of this and working on it). I look at myself throughout my whole life, and I can see that in every situation where there's been hurt involving others, I've played a guilty part, too, whether it's been a lesser part than the other person, an equal share, or a greater part. If I am truly honest with myself, I can see that there were ways I could have behaved better, been less hurtful. I can't say it's easy or pleasant to look at myself in this way, and I can't say I always immediately see my part in things...sometimes, it takes a long while to see my part in things, partly because, nobody wants to see themselves in such an ugly way, but, I try (sometimes, it has to be after I've tried to justify myself and tried to lay 100% blame on the other person!). Seeing my part in things also helps to assuage my anger and resentment towards the other person, because it means that I'm also at least partially to blame as well--I'm "no better" than the other person was/is. It's difficult to hold on to resentment towards somebody else when we see that in many--if not all--ways, we are no better ourselves.
Whether we intend to or not, we hurt people. No matter how delicately we intend to tread on our human journey, no matter how careful we are, others can and do get hurt; it's a human fact of life. We can definitely control how badly we hurt others by carefully considering how our choices may affect others and acting accordingly, but, I don't believe we can ever be fully be freed from hurting others, unfortunately, because there are even times when we truly do nothing wrong, and there is somebody that misinterprets something we said or did (or didn't say or do), and they become hurt, and suffer resentment against us. Life itself will always have problems even if other human beings aren't responsible for the hurts we suffer; we experience loss, ill health, other things that give us grief, trouble, and sadness that aren't directly related to our interactions with others.
We have to be willing to take the first step to free ourselves from resentment. For me, that means praying about it. I don't want to be resentful; I know resentment hurts myself--most important, it puts up a barrier between myself and God.
If I am unable to get closure or resolution, the second step for me is to usually work through my feelings mentally; sometimes, it's helpful to also write a letter or journal about it, too...the point is to identify my feelings, and get them out in the open to myself so I know what I'm dealing with. Equally important is to try to pinpoint why I feel a certain way. This may sound like an obvious part of the process, but, I find that there are sometimes underlying factors that I overlook. I can say I am resentful over something someone did, but looking past their actions or words to see why I feel that way gives me a broader picture. Until I start digging deeper, often overlooked emotional responses include shame, sometimes jealousy; for whatever reason, those two reasons for my resentment are not always immediately apparent to me, so it's good for me to dig deep into the "why" part of my resentment.
It's important to know that it's okay that it takes time to work through the process of forgiveness. I often have a mental "conversation" with myself where I state that I have resentment with so-and-so about such-and-such; I try to identify my feelings and why I feel that way, and give myself "permission" to feel those feelings while telling myself, it's a natural process to feel the range of feelings, but, I can't hold onto these feelings forever...I have to move forward. I don't put a specific timeline on things, because there are some things that are harder to work through than others and take more time to work through, but, I do lay it out the clear goal to myself to NOT hold onto the resentment forever.
Sometimes, we make a genuine mistake without trying to be careless or insensitive, but, we are at fault, 100%. It's important to acknowledge that right away, while reminding ourselves that we are human and it's part of being human to make a mistake. I find that there are times when I am 100% responsible for something, I often don't want to admit my part in things because I think I on some level that it's "not okay" for me to make mistakes. While I shouldn't set out to make mistakes, and I shouldn't give myself a free pass to hurt others, I have to be "okay" with the fact that I'm not perfect; I often have to remind myself that I can't expect perfection, only that I will learn lessons and apply them while moving forward. Second only to sincere, heartfelt apology and asking for forgiveness, acknowledging and learning from my mistakes and being careful from thereon out is the only positive thing that can come out of hurt that I caused.
While I'm working through these stages, I am praying over and over again to be released from the resentment, bitterness, anger, and in some cases, hatred. These feelings are so raw and powerful, and so overwhelming, there are times it literally feels to me like a fire that will consume me--I definitely don't want to live in that state forever! While I'm trying to work through the process of resentment, I try very hard to find positive outlets to my pain, hurt, anger, and resentment. It's easy to be bitter and easy to bring others down around me (and they certainly don't deserve that), so sometimes, it takes great creativity and deep thinking to find positive ways that I can channel my emotions into. Some people choose to meditate, exercise, take walks, take long baths, spend upbeat time with positive people, focus on others through charity and giving, take up a new hobby, talk with a trusted friend/advisor, etc. For myself, I find positive ways to get the focus away from myself very therapeutic and necessary, because I have learned that the less focused on myself that I am, the less chance there is for self-pity. When I fall into self-pity, it is like trying to climb out of a slippery, bottomless pit, so I'd rather avoid the self-pity stage when I can, whenever it's possible. I then have to configure a plan on how I am going to move forward. Sometimes, the person I struggle with resentment with continues to be a part of my life, and sometimes, they do not. Both situations present with their own challenges. It sometimes is easier for me to be prone to hold on to resentment with someone that isn't a part of my life anymore, because I'm not forced to deal or interact with them--they become a sort of "scapegoat" for me, and this is a dangerous temptation for me. It's very difficult to move past resentment with a person I frequently interact with because it can be like salt in a wound, and I often find that much extra prayer is needed. Sometimes, the relationship has to change with those that continue to be a part of my life, and that is one of the considerations I need to take into account when developing a plan to move forward. When I find the relationship needs to change, it is often a difficult and unpleasant process for me as I have a difficult time with confrontation and setting boundaries and expressing my needs assertively, and the process can be painful; sometimes, for both parties.
I finally make a conscious decision to move past feeling like a victim and blaming others--not to say that making the conscious decision is a magic wand where once I will it, it happens, but, I make a decision that I need to move forward and that I am responsible for my life being stuck (and NOT the offender), and that I am responsible for getting it unstuck--nobody else, and while somebody else may have been involved in the situation that caused my resentment, it's up to me to decide to move forward and begin that process without holding them hostage. It's easier to do this when I've seen my part in things, because when we realize that we carry at least some of the burden for the situation, we can't be victims, but, we can be victors over our resentment and rise above it. When we can rise above putting blame on everybody else for everything in our lives, we cease to become victims, and we become victors. We discover that we have tremendous freedom when the quality of our lives isn't shackled to others' actions, and we are victorious over self-pity and helplessness. When we don't see ourselves as victims anymore, it's like a whole world opens to us...a world full of possibilities and hope, and a world full of peace and enjoyment. When we have acceptance and release our expectations for others to act as we think they should, we have much greater peace. We can definitely live a peaceful, fulfilling life in spite of others' bad behavior and poor choices.
I think it was advice columnist Ann Landers that said, "Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head." I think she's on to something there. More than that, for me, holding on to resentment is an IV full of slow dripping poison. The longer you hold onto the resentment, the more the poison of bitterness invades your body, mind, and soul, and the longer the bitterness drips, the more it becomes saturated in your body, mind, and soul, and it puts you on a slow, agonizing and painful death. How well can you live your life when you are filled with hatred, negativity, and all-consuming rage and resentment against someone?
"Living rent free" through holding onto resentment is bad enough, but allowing me to categorize myself as a victim with "no choices" but to be bitter and resentful because I choose to blame others and refuse to take responsibility for my part in things, is worse...it's a self-imposed prison.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Unexpected Blessing
I just finished Volume 4 ("Family Life") in the Elder Paisios of Mount Athos' "Spiritual Counsels" series, and am almost finished with "The Church At Prayer", which is a series of homilies by Elder Aimilianos of Simonpetra; add to these two Athonite fathers Elder Porphyrios the Kapsokalyvite as well, and the book "Wounded By Love", which contains sweet counsel as well. What can I say about the words these men spoke? They are filled with such love, patience, hope, and kindness, and of course, faith.
I was thinking last night about all the things I had to be grateful for with regards to my faith. My faith has given me a relationship with God, His Son, Jesus' Most Pure Mother, the Saints, the angels...prior to my faith, I never would've known it was even possible to have a relationship with the heavenly realm, let alone, a way to contact them. My faith has given me strength and hope when I felt weak and despondent; when it seemed impossible to hope. There have been times when my faith has been the only constant in my life amongst ever-changing circumstances, and so, my faith has been a source of constancy. My faith has been the standard of which to look at the more grey areas of life to determine the ways that truly glorify God. One thing I didn't expect--but has been a pleasant, welcome addition to the many blessings I've been given through faith--is instruction on how to be more of a Christian in dealings with those around us.
When I first started reading spiritual books, the subject matter focused on personal asceticism, how to behave in church, things like that. And they are important things, because we need to know how to conduct our physical bodies. But I would come across commands to "love each other" (behavior of the heart), and I would think to myself, "Have the people that are exhorting us to love each other ever dealt with somebody really difficult or unpleasant?", because it seemed to me that there was no acknowledgement of doing these behaviors of the heart with people that were cruel to us, and they made it sound like it was so easy.
Elder Aimilianos addresses this in the book I'm reading. He talks about how to gently handle a person that you have difficulty with, and what I liked about his advice was, he acknowledges that we have difficulties with those around us sometimes! Ideally, I'd like to get to a place where I can be passionless/nonreactionary with those around me, but for now, I am not, and it makes me feel badly that I don't always realize how to deal with the difficult people in my life in a more prayerful, peaceful, Christian way. And sometimes, it's not that I don't want to or refuse to deal with them as a Christian should--sometimes, it's just that I truly do not know the right way to respond to something...I lack the skills somehow. It's not that I'm not willing, I am ignorant as to how. I knew this about myself before I came to any faith, and it bothered me that I was unable to deal with difficult people in my life more peacefully...that I was so reactionary, and I can now begin to take steps to correct this shortcoming of mine.
Elder Paisios reminded me of the need to be a gentle mother. I can get crabby sometimes during the challenging times of childrearing, and it was what I needed to hear. He verbalized how special mother's love is, and I know my children deserve more of that. Elder Porphyrios has an EXCELLENT section on parenting in his book, and I refer to it quite often. I find it very helpful and sometimes, the only calm in the storm.
There is more that I can go on to say about Elders Paisios (+1994), Aimilanos, and Porphyrios (+1991), but I'm a little short on time. Suffice to say that I owe these present-day Athonite Fathers A LOT, because they understand the challenges of modern day life, and because they give good counsel on how to handle difficult situations, and because their counsel is compassionate and kind. They even acknowledge that these difficult situations exist, which for me is really helpful. The fact that their words have been translated into so many languages astounds me while simultaneously giving me joy, as I imagine others around the world reading their words, gaining comfort and strength through them as I do.
What a wonderful time we live in to be able to have access to such wonderful information that helps us along our spiritual path, and by helping ourselves, brings our neighbors consolation as well.
I was thinking last night about all the things I had to be grateful for with regards to my faith. My faith has given me a relationship with God, His Son, Jesus' Most Pure Mother, the Saints, the angels...prior to my faith, I never would've known it was even possible to have a relationship with the heavenly realm, let alone, a way to contact them. My faith has given me strength and hope when I felt weak and despondent; when it seemed impossible to hope. There have been times when my faith has been the only constant in my life amongst ever-changing circumstances, and so, my faith has been a source of constancy. My faith has been the standard of which to look at the more grey areas of life to determine the ways that truly glorify God. One thing I didn't expect--but has been a pleasant, welcome addition to the many blessings I've been given through faith--is instruction on how to be more of a Christian in dealings with those around us.
When I first started reading spiritual books, the subject matter focused on personal asceticism, how to behave in church, things like that. And they are important things, because we need to know how to conduct our physical bodies. But I would come across commands to "love each other" (behavior of the heart), and I would think to myself, "Have the people that are exhorting us to love each other ever dealt with somebody really difficult or unpleasant?", because it seemed to me that there was no acknowledgement of doing these behaviors of the heart with people that were cruel to us, and they made it sound like it was so easy.
Elder Aimilianos addresses this in the book I'm reading. He talks about how to gently handle a person that you have difficulty with, and what I liked about his advice was, he acknowledges that we have difficulties with those around us sometimes! Ideally, I'd like to get to a place where I can be passionless/nonreactionary with those around me, but for now, I am not, and it makes me feel badly that I don't always realize how to deal with the difficult people in my life in a more prayerful, peaceful, Christian way. And sometimes, it's not that I don't want to or refuse to deal with them as a Christian should--sometimes, it's just that I truly do not know the right way to respond to something...I lack the skills somehow. It's not that I'm not willing, I am ignorant as to how. I knew this about myself before I came to any faith, and it bothered me that I was unable to deal with difficult people in my life more peacefully...that I was so reactionary, and I can now begin to take steps to correct this shortcoming of mine.
Elder Paisios reminded me of the need to be a gentle mother. I can get crabby sometimes during the challenging times of childrearing, and it was what I needed to hear. He verbalized how special mother's love is, and I know my children deserve more of that. Elder Porphyrios has an EXCELLENT section on parenting in his book, and I refer to it quite often. I find it very helpful and sometimes, the only calm in the storm.
There is more that I can go on to say about Elders Paisios (+1994), Aimilanos, and Porphyrios (+1991), but I'm a little short on time. Suffice to say that I owe these present-day Athonite Fathers A LOT, because they understand the challenges of modern day life, and because they give good counsel on how to handle difficult situations, and because their counsel is compassionate and kind. They even acknowledge that these difficult situations exist, which for me is really helpful. The fact that their words have been translated into so many languages astounds me while simultaneously giving me joy, as I imagine others around the world reading their words, gaining comfort and strength through them as I do.
What a wonderful time we live in to be able to have access to such wonderful information that helps us along our spiritual path, and by helping ourselves, brings our neighbors consolation as well.
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