Dealing with resentment and mistreatment

I have been really struggling with a certain issue for a very long time...decades. Thankfully, it's not something I have to deal with on a daily basis anymore, as it used to be, but there are times when I'm faced with it. It is an issue that I am completely unable to respond to, because it causes a ripple effect (my response will affect others), so, I do and say nothing, while my heart and mind are bursting with anger, resentment, hurt. Yesterday, I was faced with this situation, and I prayed very hard to be released from such anger, resentment, and hurt. While I know this is my own ego and pride, I find myself thinking, "If only so-and-so would act differently, things would improve." We all know that wishing for others to change is a disappointment. While we're waiting for them to change, we harbor resentment; they oftentimes never change, and to be honest, we really can truly only change ourselves. I don't want to have bitterness in my heart towards anyone, but, this is a difficult situation. It's difficult because I am unable to get any closure to this situation, and because my feelings are never validated, and they never will be. I know this in my head and my heart, but I still get tense with strong feelings over it.

I prayed hard before bed last night for God to help me. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to be bitter towards anyone, and I don't want to have resentment and anger. I picked up a book I have on my nightstand that I haven't read in a while, "Counsels from the Holy Mountain: Selected from the Letters and Homilies of Elder Ephraim". It's a fantastic book; to be honest, I'm unsure why I ever stopped reading it, but I picked it up last night. God accused my conscience last night when I read Elder Ephraim's Excerpt from a Homily, “On Humility” (pages 235-237; except follows).

As if what I read last night wasn't enough, today at church, the Gospel reading was the parable of the Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25-37), and our priest reiterated that everyone is "our neighbor". This was a good reminder to me.

Here's what I read in Elder Ephraim's book, and I am SO GLAD and THANKFUL that God pointed me in the direction to read this book; it really quieted my soul, and helped me to focus on what I am supposed to be doing.  All emphasis is mine.
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We need to be very careful; let us attend to ourselves and fear God. Fear is light, it is a lamp; the beginning of wisdom is the fear of God and the end of wisdom is the fear of God. (cf. Prov. 1:7)

Fear precedes even the love of Christ. When the love of Christ is acquired, fear is still mingled with love, for love can lead one to take liberties and thus depart from proper love. Fear is the brake that restrains a person.

Whenever we see within us malice, envy, criticism, grumbling, and whatever else is of the devil, we should realize that we do not have a pure heart. If we had a pure heart we would not be offended even if people insulted and derided us. The fact that we are offended, bothered, embittered, shows that our heart is not pure.

We lack humble-mindedness; humble-mindedness makes a person tolerant, forbearing, patient. When we do not have patience, when we do not have forbearance, when we are not tolerant, when we do not endure patiently, this is characteristic of a lack of the most fundamental virtues—humble-mindedness and love—which take us closer to the goal, which is purity. When genuine love and humble-mindedness do not exist, then we have not reached our goal.

A person does not need erudition and great knowledge to achieve purity. When I reflect that I have sacrificed everything in order to reach this goal, I cannot make excuses to justify myself. If we make excuses, we are defeating the purpose. It is not so much a question of whether or not the other person is at fault, as it is whether or not I really love my brother, or whether or not I feel that my heart is heavy. It is my fault; I need to change my soul and love him, even though within myself I feel bitterness towards him because he reproved me once or because he does not think well of me.

If I have a dark and somewhat bitter image of him within myself, this only burdens me. That brother may indeed be thus inclined towards me; but thinking like this does not help me reach my goal. No matter how that brother is disposed towards me, if I want to reach my goal and be united to God, I must see him differently. For this reason the Fathers never justified people, especially monks, if they had something against someone.

One father was going to bring another brother to trial, or, rather, prosecute him. So he went to Abba Sisoes and said to him:

“Father, I am going to bring charges against my brother because he has done such and such an evil to me.”

“Forgive him, pardon him.”

“No,” he answered, “if I pardon him he will do it to me again. This man must be punished.”

“Eh, fine, my child. Let us say a prayer then go.”

So they knelt, and Abba Sisoes began praying: “Our Father…and do not forgive us our debts, as we do not forgive our debtors…”

“That’s not right, father,” he said, “you made a mistake.”

“Since you want to take your brother to the judge, this is how we will pray.”

Then the brother realized his mistake, repented, and did not go to denounce his brother.

So there is one great truth: that just as our heart is disposed towards our brother, in the same way the heart of God will be disposed towards us. Do you want God to forgive your errors? Do you want Him to love you with all His heart? Then you too should love and forgive with all your heart.

Do you want God to forget your errors and not remember them? “I want it, I desire it,” cries the soul. Then no matter how your neighbor has wronged you, neither think about it nor remember it. This is the enormous truth. So whoever departs from this goal will make many and great mistakes in his life. If we apply this patristic wisdom, the devil will have no power over us.

Let all of us be attentive and compel ourselves, so that we do not lose our goal and repent bitterly tomorrow. We must keep these things in mind and work as if it were our last day.

Our aim is one: to come to see ourselves, to see our own guilt, and to reprove ourselves in everything, to criticize ourselves, to consider ourselves responsible and guilty, and to pay no attention as to whether our neighbor is guilty or not.

The Fathers say, “If we desire to bring peace to ourselves by trying to reconcile others, we shall never have peace.” That is, if we want to derive peace from others becoming peaceful, we shall not be at peace. So a person must find peace within himself, internally. “Make peace within yourself,” says Abba Isaac, “and then heaven and earth will make peace with you.”

Let us ingrain this indelibly within our heart, for this is the spiritual wealth that the holy Gospel and the patristic texts give us to save our wretched souls!

The following are excerpts from Chapter 111, “On Love and Forgiveness Towards the Brethren,” Page 240-243

I pray that the Lord will give you pure love—love which guards the mouth of him who possess it and does not let him fall into the pit of criticism, malicious gossip, lying, hypocrisy, and the countless other evils which the lack of this true, godly love begets through the tongue. ….

We have received a very important commandment from our Lord Jesus: to love one another. Likewise, the devil has given a commandment to those who obey him, that they hate one another. Therefore, we are disciples and subjects of him whose commandment we keep.

My children, let us fear coldness and enmity towards our brethren, as well as the various thoughts that accompany these attitudes, which little by little lead the soul to demonic hatred. For in this manner we subject ourselves to the devil—the enemy of our salvation—as to a master, and then innumerable evils will accumulate in our poor souls! ….

When we are lax and slack in love, the opposing power of the devil will have victories for its side corresponding to the laxity that our previously fervent and powerful love has suffered. What are the victories of the opposing power? Troubles within the brotherhood, such as back talk, disobedience, quarrels, pride, bragging, envy, hatred, and finally, deserting the monastery!

Let us reflect, my children: do the angels in heaven perhaps talk back, disobey, do their own will bear malice, hate, or desert the place where they serve before the throne of God? Of course not. This is what Lucifer did, who was once a rising star, and was cast down and became Satan! ….

My child, see to it that you drive away the evil thoughts which the devil urges you to consent* to—especially thoughts of hatred towards the brethren you should pay no attention to, because he aims to steal from you the greatest virtue: love. And if he achieves this, he has completely won your soul. Once we have lost love—God, that is, for God is love and he who abides in love abides in God and God in him (1 John 4:16)—then what is left to save us?

All of the aforementioned was very instructive and helpful to me, but, the following quote really stuck with me: 

My child, do not listen at all to these thoughts of hatred towards the brethren, but drive them away immediately, and start saying the prayer, or tell Satan, “The more you bring me thoughts of hatred, devil, the more I will love my brethren. For I have an order from my Christ not only to love them, but even to sacrifice myself for them, just as Christ sacrificed Himself for me, the wretch.” And at once embrace the things about them that annoy you, and say, “Just look how much I love them, O envious Satan! I will die for them!” By doing this, God sees your good intentions and the method you are using to conquer the devil, and He will come at once to your aid to deliver you.